Through the years it has always revolved around the question of "what the hell am I doing here and can I justify my existence?!?!" Be that questions of employment, charity, ethics, relationships... they always come back to this and I have never had a solid answer.
Years ago I had that thing that all artists struggle with at one point or another, i.e. can I really justify giving myself over to this thing that is art when I could be feeding the poor or saving the whales or something virtuous. Painting seems so self indulgent. But after trying other things and being miserable, I figured in the end that at the very least if I became an artist then I wouldn't be a liability to society by being so miserable.
And yes, that choice has definitely made me happy - and I have not regretted it. I just wish I had made it earlier. However... contrary to many people's romanticised ideas, it IS actually a hard life. Unless you have a trade that pays well you or you manage to hit the jackpot and produce work that people will pay a lot of money for (which has its own traps in terms of feeling free to branch out and experiment with your content or style), you generally end up working multiple crappy jobs and don't spend nearly enough time in the studio. There is a truth to the poor artist stereotype, and the hardest part is that when you try and make some money from your talents your peers criticise you for being a sell out. (That is a whole other rant let me tell you)
I have spent years trying to run a small business, thinking at at least I could be my own boss. Only to discover I am really, REALLY bad at it and that it took even more of my time than working brainless jobs in someone else's business. I have spent years trying to sell stuff at markets and find myself producing work I wouldn't even buy, and getting depressed about people who literally ask me 'Do you really think you are worth that price?' And I know that that same painting at that price in a gallery would be under priced.
So I have been conflicted between my quiet little desires to produce work that I like and really loud voices, both internal and external that demand I do something useful. Be that to make money, help the world a little, contribute something to the art world and its dialogue, make work that other people think is good... something... anything! oh yeah, and that thing about money is that you really do need it, you know, for things like eating, having enough to pay rent...
Sometimes I just wish that I had some sugar-daddy, or patron who would pay for me to live so that all I had to do was paint. Ha! Like that would ever happen in Australia! And like that wouldn't be a miserable situation of unspoken weirdness, gender issues and kind of horrible gratitude. What I really need is a nice wealthy, jewel encrusted sugar-mumma! who loves me and I love her and there would be no weird incestuous sexual undertones (she'd have to be straight then). She would want to spray me with money and art supplies because she loves elephants and loves my paintings. We could go on safari together in Africa and it would be soooooo cool!
You see, the point is, if I ever get around to it, that I am still conflicted about what to do with myself. Sans my sugar mumma I have to think about things like money and how to make it. I am sure I don't want to be a sales assistant forever, but do i really want to study something else in order to be able to have some other solid skill so that I could get paid more per hour so that I could work less hours so that I would have more hours to paint? Or does that just feel like one more distraction in a long line of distractions that all originally felt like they might have been a way out of that work/paint equation, but that only ever ended up taking so much more out of me than giving back.
I could go back to uni and do a second degree in visual art. Which would at the very least give me a few years of time dedicated to my art practice... but, and maybe I'm just being annoying now, but I hate school. God forbid I should have to do another three years of undergrad... I hate small 3000 word essays~! And I don't take well to making work in any sort of communal environment. I am fiercely private when it comes to the making part. If I was to do it I think I would prefer to skip to a masters if anything, because I really want to sink my teeth into one big project, and make a whole heap of paintings.
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